no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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