he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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