I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
