I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
