there's paper in my vomit.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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