who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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