The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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