i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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