Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
