Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
