just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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