if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
