I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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