So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
