perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
