We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
