If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize