I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
