Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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