He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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