so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
