Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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