I'm drive I can fine osifer
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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