i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
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I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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