You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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