She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
