Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
