I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
