I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
