Three words: puerto rican gang bang
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
