he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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