Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
