I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
