So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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