Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
