The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
