My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
