I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
