I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
