I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
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So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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