is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Do vagina's smell?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
