I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
