i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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