do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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