Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
