I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
