Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
