he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize