You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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