Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Your penis caused this!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
