she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
