I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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