I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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