when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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