im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Let's get the cat blown out
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
