Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
