I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
