I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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